The Secret to Loving Others
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When we think about loving others, we instantly assume that it’s all about feelings and emotions.
It’s not.
It’s about actions and choices.
C.S. Lewis once wrote that you shouldn’t waste time worrying whether you really love someone. If you are called to love them, then you should simply act as if you love them. When you do that, you will soon find yourself actually loving them.
What Lewis was talking about has long been known among human behavior specialists. It’s the idea that you do not feel your way into acting; you act your way into feeling.
Yet we continually go with our feelings, letting our feelings take us wherever they will. But feelings don’t take us anywhere. Only actions move things forward.
Think of a marriage. Most, I hope, start with romance. But romance and the feelings and emotions accompanying romance end. When it does, people think the way to solve it is to try to work up more romantic feelings—or even worse, to go hunting for romance somewhere else.
But that’s not how you have a lasting, meaningful marriage.
Remember, you don’t feel your way along—you act your way along. And from that comes a deeper set of feelings than romance could ever bring. Which is why the idea that if a marriage takes hard work, we must not have been right for each other, is such a dangerous lie to believe.
Lasting love is not about emotion; it’s about devotion. It’s about doing the hard work, work rooted in what committed love calls for, allowing love to take its deepest root.
This is the often-overlooked nature of a very familiar set of words. These words are often wrapped up in emotion, but in truth, they are deeply rooted in action:
“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.” (I Corinthians 13:4-7, NIV)
That is an excerpt from what is often called the great love chapter of the Bible. In truth, it’s actually the biblical work order for love. It’s a list of things you do for love. It’s not a list of feelings about love. It’s a list of action steps to take if you want to experience love, model love, create love.
It’s choice after choice after choice.
Love comes when…
... you choose to be patient in the face of impatience;
... you choose to be kind instead of being abrupt, rude, harsh or insensitive;
... you choose to not be rude when you can be courteous;
... you choose to put their needs ahead of yours, instead of being self-seeking and self-absorbed;
... you choose to work at empathy and sensitivity instead of giving in to anger;
... you choose to not keep a record of wrongs when you can forgive and forget;
... you choose to protect;
... you choose to be loyal;
... you choose to trust them;
... you choose to have hope in them;
... and you choose to persevere.
Just like God chose to love us:
“We can understand someone dying for a person worth dying for, and we can understand how someone good and noble could inspire us to selfless sacrifice. But God put his love on the line for us by offering his Son in sacrificial death while we were of no use whatever to him.” (Romans 5:7-8, Msg)
Choice after choice, action after action.
That’s the secret.
James Emery White
Sources
C.S. Lewis, Mere Christianity.